Things

Have you ever played the game Things?  We were just reading the cards off and having everyone answer.  I knew there would eventually be one...or twenty...that he would have a shake-my-head-in-disbelief answer for.

"Things you might complain about in hell..."

Jim says, "The strippers are fat.  You don't think they send the good ones there do you?"

Well, I hadn't actually thought about it before but now that you mention it I'll work harder not to have to go to hell.  Seriously?!

Pears

I'm peeling and cutting up pears for our toddlers when I hear this from behind me, "Ick. Pears are like retarded apples. Pears are like rotten retarded apples." Umm, I don't like pears myself but I've never thought of them as rotten or retarded. They seem perfectly healthy to me.

What would you do?

Last Saturday I get all dressed up, a dress and everything, and take my dear husband to a nice dinner. During our conversation I ask, "If you could do anything at all for work what would you do?"
"For a living you mean?" he asks.
"Yes"
"Screw hot chicks".

He didn't even miss a beat before answering.

Naughty or nice

So there I am playing Family Feud on Facebook.  The question:  Name something about his job that Santa Claus might brag about. 
I'm a little stumped after cookies and flying reindeer.
I ask Jim
He responds, "All the sex.  The spontaneous elf sex."

I'm not sure if that will get him more or less in his stocking...

All in the name of safety...

Sitting in the drive thru at Carl's Jr. when all of a sudden Jim's hand is on my boob and he says,
"Here, let me TSA you."
Next thing he's going to be asking for pictures...

The best day ever

Jim got home from work and school today.  Today was a great day...he finished his final project.  He is super duper excited. 
While holding the baby and feeding him a bottle he tells me turn something exciting on the tv.  As I'm scrolling through the TV Guide he says,
"Half Pint Brawlers!  That's exciting!".
I turn on the show.  They are doing a montage of these little brawlers wrestling moments.  Then, all of a sudden one of the little dudes is biting the crotch of a bigger dude and Jim screams,
"That midget just bit his dick!  Holy shit babe!  (Insert crazy laughter and almost asleep baby being terrorized awake) That guy was just totally biting that guy's dick.  I've never seen a midget bite a guy's dick before.  This is the best day ever!  If you would have told me this morning that I would see a midget bite a guy's dick I wouldn't have believed you.  Now I have.  This is totally the best day ever!"

Sleepy time